people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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