Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
