remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
