Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
