I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
