I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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