Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
