we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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