I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's blow job season.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I have fence marks all over my body
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
