Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
