I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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