Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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