Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
