Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
