I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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