I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
