So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
