So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
