people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Can you bring me the toilet please
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
