So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
