currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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