Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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