if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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