if i can run in heels then i can drive
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
