She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
