The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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