I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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