Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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