i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
