i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
