How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
