please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
