see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
