She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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