I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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