I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
