You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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