Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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