k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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