he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
