I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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