My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
