Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
