ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
