Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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