my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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