Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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