no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
