Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Another day, another engagement, another cat
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
