I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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