I just cut my nipple shaving
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
