ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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